Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Who chose this font
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
What do you hear?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.