I’m about to risk it all
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.