JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
*limbos away from your hug*
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP