Not messing around
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*