Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield