coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition