A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
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Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.