HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜