We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
You Might Also Like
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.