H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test