Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
You Might Also Like
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Mornin
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.