Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
😲 WTF? 😆
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
White Castle for the Win
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
oh you wanna fight?!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.