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me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way