A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews