Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Wednesday
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
People buying plungers never look happy.