Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.