I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
You Might Also Like
IT’S-A ME,
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.