Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
okay run it by me one more time
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Message from the dog groomers
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.