Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start