Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Clients after you give them your rates
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy