It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.