My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show