ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I’M CRYINGGG
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I need to update my racial profile.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her