If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You Might Also Like
When someone says you are so lazy
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes