[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.