“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Noted.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed