our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
…żyje?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?