can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
WWE is French for “yes”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Who called it baking and not making love
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
if a cop pulls u over play dead
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.