It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
What the hell happened in there??
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?