Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.