[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
You Might Also Like
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.