I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
step 6: release the wall snake
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans