[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
courtroom exchange of the day
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.