don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
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Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.