Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
This is my pinned tweet
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.