An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
You Might Also Like
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot