There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.