I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”