What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Friday night party time 🥳
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.