ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
another case of gang violins
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class