My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
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The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.