I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
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you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Des Moines Police having a normal one
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.