Horrifying if literal: foot locker
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden