When news reporters do sports stories
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again