Can. I. Help. You.
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.