Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Time for evil
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.