Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Admin smashed it 😂
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic