When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”