Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.