We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band